The Dirty Truth About Colonics
WARNING: this blog will contain copious amounts of poo chat, foul language, discussion about anal insertions and more specifically my anal insertions because well majority of you asked for it (bet you'll regret that)! Usually I would expect you to buy me dinner first but in this case we are just going to get right into the nitty gritty from day one... because well to be honest I have spent the last 6 years of my life talking about poo several times a day to randoms so why not share it with you!
Now some of you may just struggle with the idea of inserting a lubed up tube into your anal cavity or better yet having someone else do it for you... and that is totally fine I am not here to judge (well maybe a little). However I suggest this is that moment where you should think real hard about your life choices and whether you want to continue reading on... and don't say I didn't warn you.
First things first. COLONICS.
What are they?
A colonic is basically an infusion of filtered/purified water into your rectum through a tube administered by a colon therapist in order to cleanse and flush out your colon. During the process you lie comfortably on a specifically designed treatment bed/massage bed in a hospital kind of gown where your backside is easily accessible and either insert the lubricated tube yourself or your therapist will do this for you (we will delve more into the different types of colonics and finer details later on). Modern colon hydrotherapy equipment is very hygienic in regards to how purified the water is and the contact elements all being disposable which eliminates any contamination or infection risks. In other words you and Susan who was just in the treatment room before you are not having the same tube inserted into your rear ... as you sigh for relief.
Who the heck does them & why?
Freaks like myself? To be honest I have always been one of those open minded people who gives pretty well anything and everything a go when it comes to the holistic health game. Especially I think because when you are very unwell like I was for a long time you get to the point where you will try just about anything to return to your healthy self! However, this is one of those treatments for really whoever wants to give it a whirl. I also think you would be surprised to find out how many people you know actually do them! Obviously it is not something most people gloat about like myself.
The idea of the colonic is:
- To remove accumulated & hardened waste from the colon
- To assist in preventing constipation & diarrhoea
- To remove excessive intestinal gas and ease abdominal pain
- To assist in the removal of excess hormones from the body
- To assist in the removal of harmful bacteria, parasites, yeast such as candida overgrowth
- To improve overall gut health and wellbeing
When colonics are used to improve general health, they are considered a form of alternative medicine. They are not usually very popular in the conventional medicine scene.
Basically it is believed that fecal matter can accumulate in your intestines and harden in the colon. This buildup of fecal matter may negatively affect your gut health in a number of ways:
- Preventing the absorption of water and nutrients
- Lead to having constipation
- Allow harmful colon bacteria and yeast to grow and habitat in your intestines
- Autointoxication can occur which is when stagnant toxins are absorbed into the bloodstream through the colon wall
Really there are a whole heap of side affects especially if you are more on that constipated side other than the fact that you have become literally full of sh*t. If you don't deal with it and have your bowels moving every single day it can lead to ongoing health issues.
Where do you go to even get this sort of thing done?
This isn't one of those find a house with a pair of shoes hung over the power line situations... much to most of your surprise I imagine, it is actually legal and people actually do voluntarily book themselves in for colonics. Yes it is a little taboo or tapoo I must say (ha. see what I did there) but colonics are totally becoming one of those 'trendy' gut health treatments because well as the old saying goes don't knock it til you try it. But seriously, hazard wise don't knock the tube in your a-hole there could be a sh*t fight... quite literally and the last thing you need is that.
I have only ever been to two colonic centres. A1 Colon Hydrotherapy which focus on using the closed colonic systems and Vitalita Detox which use the open colonic system. Vitalita have actually only just recently opened up in Ashgrove and currently have a 20% off discount (this is not sponsored). I have also heard great things about 360 Health Colonics in Cairns. I will explain the two systems below and which I prefer.
Two types of colonic systems:
During a closed system treatment you lay on a massage bed initially on your left side so the practitioner can insert the lubricated 2cm or so wide tube into your rectum... one of those take a deep breath and then WOOH all of a sudden that tube is a few centimetres inside you, that moment where you reflect on all of your life's bad decisions and think none have ever come close to this day and there is no going back. Well not for at least an hour anyway. Once inserted you lay back over so your back is flat on the bed - I know what you are thinking how do you even do that and I can't tell you the finer details it just kind of happens - and the process begins... the hydrotherapists begins to fill your intestines by opening up the tap and allowing the warm filtered water to slowly make its way through the tube into your colon. It is a bazaar sensation but not uncomfortable, not yet anyway.
During the therapy, water temperature and pressure is monitored by the therapist and can be varied depending on the individual. The water slowly fills your colon/intestines until it almost feels as though you are full. You let the therapist know you are feeling full/like you need to let go they stop the tap and you allow it all to come out - you literally let go of your sh*t, mentally and physically! A skilled colonic therapist will use multiple stages of fill and release, will provide you with a heat pack for your guts and uses light massage techniques to assist in dislodging toxic waste matter that may be stuck to the walls of the colon.
The closed system allows waste material to be discretely carried from the colon to the drainage line without offensive odor or visual contact. The waste however travels through a viewing tube to the sewerage so you are able to see what you are releasing during the process. The practitioner remains with you for the entire procedure and talks through what it is that you are releasing whether it may be unprocessed food, excessive gas, mucus, discoloured stools or you may see 'black matter' release old toxic waste build up.
Ok so now the open system ... right now I bet you're thinking god that was the closed system what the hell is going to go down in the open system room. Trust me I was thinking the exact same thing - I was really literally visualising sh*t everywhere. Basically an open system is where you kind of run the show on your own after receiving an educational run down on how the system operates. You are shown how to position yourself on the bed (kind of like straddle the tube and basin bowl with your legs on the side of the bed laying down situation) and taught how to insert the tube into your rectum yourself. Now you may be thinking great no one near my a-hole but I was thinking you want me to try navigate what into where.. down where all by myself NO WAY. THIS COULD BE DANGEROUS!! I basically wanted to say to the therapist if it goes down wrong I will be yelling for help and you better come running sister... fast. real f*cking fast.
Anyway once you get past that point the practitioner leaves the room you undress yourself and wear a t-shirt because they don't want to see you naked hence why they didn't stick the tube up your bum. Also it is their t-shirt (not literally theirs off their back but the t-shirts the clinic provides) not your own that is unhygienic carrying that in your bag on the way home - pooooeeey. You then insert the tube yourself and cover yourself up. Some say this is maintaining your dignity ... I say my dignity was left in the gutter when I started clubbing many years ago so that is the least of my worries. You then ring the bell and your practitioner returns kind of like when you ring the bell for the flight attendant to come to your seat with some drinks and nibbles just without the drinks and nibbles.
The therapist then gets you started with operating the taps, temperature etc yourself and you head past go and don't collect $200 but more like collect some rubber gloves you may possibly need them. The LIBBE you will be using in this colonic treatment has an exhaust device to stop the odour thank god. As the water trickles slowly into your intestines and fills them up until you kind of get that real crampy/going to sh*t myself feeling and that is when you need to let go similar to the closed system. At first it is hard to do this you don't want to let go you kind of keep holding on and it just becomes more painful until you just let it go! Let it go, let it go can't hold it back anymore - they actually should play Elsa singing whilst you are in there.
Basically when you start pushing as if you are going to the toilet that waste, water etc leaves around the pencil thin tube in your a-hole into the basin underneath your bottom in the table. This then travels through the clear tube at the side of the table which you can watch because well you got nothing else better to do so why the hell not. During the session you usually receive a heat pack and can massage your own belly plus you can call your therapist at anytime if you need. They do come and check on you usually when you are just about to let a whole lotta sh*t go so it never a good time really for them to drop by but hey this isn't their first rodeo.
One main reason people like the open system is they feel they can let a lot more mental and physical sh*t go when they are in their alone.
Don't get me wrong. Both systems are great and definitely work in doing what is intended in the treatment. However, just like with everything people have their personal preferences and what they feel comfortable with.
Now some colonic centres recommend doing a few day prep leading up to the colonic staying very hydrated, eating lots of fibrous foods, cutting out meat/legumes/beans etc but I don't tend to really do any. I suppose I don't necessarily have to with my diet but I would assume if you have a poor diet and are more on the constipation side it could be quite uncomfortable due to things not moving very easily.
which system do I prefer? how do they make me feel? why do I get them?
I was profusely sweating driving to my first ever colonic, initially thinking this may quite possibly be the weirdest thing I will ever do and most probably not do again. You show up just like you do any appointment and walk in and make yourself known - not like "Sofie here for the 9am water up my bum colon clean out appointment" but more like the receptionist saying: 'Hi Sofie take a seat your therapist won't be long.' You immediately feel relieved no idea why we play out in our heads that it is going to be totally f*cking weird but I think it is because we like to expect the worst JUST IN CASE. I am thinking great, darn right I am probably going to need a therapist after the hour long tube up my bum water coming in, sh*t coming out kind of situation I am about to encounter.. although the staff are SOOO normal about it, it actually just isn't weird at all. It is kind of like you are wanting it to be more weird than it is because you don't want to actually enjoy it. Does that make you a sicko? Again I don't know I am not here to judge.
The process is slightly invasive but in a weird way very spiritual in the sense that you are learning to literally let go of your sh*t. I feel you actually learn SOO much about your gut health as well during the treatment by what is coming out in the tube. It really tells you so much about where your guts are at - which for me is totally f*cking awesome.
I personally prefer the closed system as I like to discuss what is going on with the therapist and don't feel I have the energy to be controlling the taps, massaging my guts and making sure that pencil thin tube hasn't fallen out of my bum hole and I am going to have to latex up and go down there searching for it - no one needs that sort of experience.
The first colonic I ever had was a closed system and nothing really happened and I was actually annoyed and couldn't wait to book another appointment to come back. I had totally worked myself up to the fact I was probably going to remove 23 years of built up sh*t and well nothing. They say that is because most of the appointment is spent hydrating your intestines/colon and then the next lot of sessions you will start to let go.
Back I was a few days later to the same place ready to give it another crack. Boy oh boy did some sh*t go down literally but we won't get into that, I will draw the line there. But I definitely felt I got a lot out of that next few appointments and my bowel movements following were just perfect (because hey lets not pretend we don't look at our poo - otherwise how do you know to get off the toilet?). I felt lighter after the sessions well kind of more like an empty sensation. There is no doubt that I have seen the positive side of colonics and seen improvements with my gut health since adding them into my treatment.
My open system experience was a little more overwhelming for me because you are controlling it all. I am a big believer in people excel in their own fields and that is not my field so I will lay here and you do what you need to do and I will take in what is going on around me and inside me. (I am really hoping that this reads less weird out loud than it does in my head...). At one point about 15 minutes in I thought nup. I am done. I feel a little nausea, crampy, farty, bloated, sweaty and going to have severe diarrhoea feeling and because you haven't got anyone there to distract you and guide you through that first letting go part it is a little full on. But just like with everything you do it and settle yourself down and keep on trudging through - cause I ain't no quitter. I also felt there was no right time for my therapist to drop in and check on how I was going and also in an open system I couldn't have them in there with me the whole time. Like I am comfortable about most things but like it is noisy compared to the closed system and I would hold back but you really couldn't so it would totally get awkward.
Although I could definitely do both, felt they do both worked and can certainly see how the different treatments appeal more to some people than others. They tend to set you back around $100-$130 and usually you do an infra red sauna before your session to help your body start detoxifying.
There is a lot of info out there that states colonics aren't great and there is the same that states they are. I think like everything it is an individual thing and if you are going to do colonics you make sure you consult with your GP. Also take it seriously and help to replenish your good gut bacteria afterwards as they say sometimes a lot can leave your body during a colonic. Personally as someone with colitis I believe it has helped me and is an every so often sort of a thing for my guts but I haven't had a negative experience at all yet only positive affects afterwards. It has also helped me to alter my diet & supplements depending on how everything is looking coming out...
I hope this was informative enough but not to informative that you feel uncomfortable to ever make eye contact with me again.
The information provided on this site is intended for Sofie's individual experiences only and is not a substitute for advice, diagnosis or treatment. It is not meant to cover all possible individual precautions, such as prescribed medication, circumstances or adverse effects, etc. You should certainly consult your GP for any health issues before using alternative medicine or making a change to your lifestyle.